Curse

Necrus (Kliffington) · Dec 12, 2009, 01:41 AM // 01:41

Credit to myself (Dustin Cartwright) -- http://kinggabrielle.deviantart.com/

Thank you all for your comments and advice, but seriously consider that you don't know the melody, the fact that songs include consistancy, and that not all songs/poetry rhymes and flexiablity is the great thing about it... so try to keep that open mind, yeah?

Don't try to view this or read this using the same cookie-cutter rhyme or format you use to read poems or songs at all, songs and poetry is about open expression without limitation or format; maybe someday I'll post the guitar riff and drum beat that the song is supposed to be heard at and it will sounds better, but really, come on

And using "won" too often is the consistancy part, it's supposed to contribute to the psychological unity of the song"

Quote:

Originally Posted by Zodiac Meteor

Then why don't you post the song? I thought it was a poem

Yeah, it's a song, I'm working on it now, Power Metal genre, maybe Thrash, depends how it turns out

Snow-bound warriors,
They live by their own
No leaders, no armies,
Commanders are none
Living for the victory,
Their hunt to be won!

The Raven,
The Wolf,
The Bear,
To be one
A Norn teaches this to his son
Outsiders, beget to be warned,
Our honor is the hunt to be won!
Across the far Shiverpeaks,
Through legend they speak
The tales, of the hunts they had won!

(Author Notes: The Norn are awesome, the end

)

jonnieboi05 · Dec 12, 2009, 03:07 AM // 03:07

Eh... The usage of the word "won" was used a bit too much imo. 3/10 :<

Zodiac Meteor · Dec 12, 2009, 03:15 AM // 03:15

Your mixing drama lines with rhyming. 3/10

Snow-bound warriors,
They live by their own
-Just because they are the same length, reading it out loud they won't flow together.

No leaders, no armies,
Commanders are none
-'Commanders are none?' Not a good sentence, for one it's not proper English. Which is fine in some poems but the rhythm breaks.

Living for the victory,
Their hunt to be won!
-The biggest problem is the present tense, for this to be a general background explanation try to make it past tense. The Rhythm is bad mostly because the tense is bad.

The Raven,
The Wolf,
The Bear,
To be one
A Norn teaches this to his son
Outsiders, beget to be warned,
Our honor is the hunt to be won!
Across the far Shiverpeaks,
Through legend they speak
The tales, of the hunts they had won!

You need strong adjectives and avoid rhyming at this point in order to sound dramatic. Strong Adjectives can make or break this for example, 'Across the far Shiverpeaks' can be modified to 'Across the dangerous far Shiverpeaks.'
What I would modify would look like this.

Spirit-bound warriors,
Thrives by their own will,
They have no leaders, nor armies,
They only obey the spirits blessing,
Living for the glorious victory,
Their great hunt shall be won!

The swift Raven,
The fierce Wolf,
The strong Bear,
To become one
A Norn must become blessed,
The Norn doesn't accept the spirit,
But the spirit must accept the Norn.
Once I grab my sword,
Powerful monsters beware!
As across the treacherous Shiverpeaks,
The greatest hunt has just begun!

My legend shall live forever.

Of course that is just me.

jonnieboi05 · Dec 12, 2009, 03:20 AM // 03:20

Quote:

Originally Posted by Zodiac Meteor

You're mixing drama lines with rhyming. 3/10

Fixed. ^^

@ OP: I still say you've used the word "won" too many times.

Necrus (Kliffington) · Dec 12, 2009, 03:43 AM // 03:43

Aw, haha, come on, it's a song, don't you know Power Metal when you hear it XD

Song have consistancy

As for your verison of the writing, It's too prose in my eyes, a little wordy, too narrative

Snow-bound warriors,
They live by their own
-Just because they are the same length, reading it out loud they won't flow together.

You don't know the melody

No leaders, no armies,
Commanders are none
-'Commanders are none?' Not a good sentence, for one it's not proper English. Which is fine in some poems but the rhythm breaks.

It sounds good with the song, if you knew the melody -- and not all songs ryhme, or poems even

Living for the victory,
Their hunt to be won!
-The biggest problem is the present tense, for this to be a general background explanation try to make it past tense. The Rhythm is bad mostly because the tense is bad.

The song is about them in general, past or present, there is no croniclogical order

Zodiac Meteor · Dec 12, 2009, 03:46 AM // 03:46

Quote:

Originally Posted by JonnieBoi05

Fixed. ^^

NOOO, English! My one weakness!

Quote:

Aw, haha, come on, it's a song, don't you know Power Metal when you hear it XD
Song have consistancy

Power metal?! Wrong species, the Charr = metal.

It's like putting heavy metal to a wolf. It doesn't mix unless you have a wolf driving a tank.

Eragon Zarroc · Dec 12, 2009, 04:01 AM // 04:01

@JonnieBoi: Your're or You're? lols

'A' for effort i suppose. like the first part, 2nd part falls apart

Zodiac Meteor · Dec 12, 2009, 04:07 AM // 04:07

Then why don't you post the song? I thought it was a poem

Necrus (Kliffington) · Dec 12, 2009, 04:10 AM // 04:10

Haha Zodiac, it's your opinion that Charr is metal, all though a metal song could be writen about anything at all with given creativity

and look... Black Sabbath song "Bark at the Moon"
Megadeth's "She-Wolf"

And that's just two examples of metal where a Wolf is mentioned

From what I gather being the metal fan I am, it doesn't have to be about tanks, warfare or death at all, but anything you feel strongly about or admire/respect greatly -- even polotics and religious ideas are expressed through different forms of metal

but before I really get into any of that, thank you all for your comments and advice, but seriously consider that you don't know the melody, the fact that songs include consistancy, and that not all songs/poetry rhymes and flexiablity is the great thing about it... so try to keep that open mind, yeah?

Guess you are right, Zodiac, should have said so -- sorry about that, it's a song indeed, I seriously apperiate your willingness to help improve my writing though

I have more, most likely better pieces of writing on my DeviantArt account if you have free time and want to review more

Chicken of the Seas · Dec 12, 2009, 04:15 AM // 04:15

There's also Shakira- "She Wolf"

Just sayin =P

Zodiac Meteor · Dec 12, 2009, 04:20 AM // 04:20

I said you did a bad job, at a poem. But this is completely different and not my area of expertise. I might as well be saying Illusionary Weaponry is great on a warrior.

I do listen to some metal, Feel so Numb by rob zombie is the best music ever to play poker with. If you have girls it's the best music ever to play strip poker with, because losing = winning.

You should at least state EXACTLY what it is, for all I know it's a grammar B story.

Quote:

the fact that songs include consistency, and that not all songs/poetry rhymes and flexibility is the great thing about it... so try to keep that open mind, yeah?

When I think of Norn's I get the idea of strong willed warriors. Which the poem seemed to lack, but this is lyrics to metal... Once again my bad, but I had no clue other than to guess.

Necrus (Kliffington) · Dec 12, 2009, 04:20 AM // 04:20

Ah, nice Chicken, that too

And Iced Earth's "Wolf"
And Metallica's "of Wolf and Man"

Regardless, I'll try to finish the song when I can so you all can hear, been so busy with college and game designing projects I have little time for that anymore

Ahhh don't worry about it Zodiac, I took no offense, just wanted to clarify it for everyone is all

Tzu · Dec 12, 2009, 11:02 AM // 11:02

I'd like to hear this with a melody. But preferably not power metal or trash. Neither have a melody nor can you actually hear what they're "singing" so your work with the lyrics will be a waste.

I also agree that Metal in general is more Charr than Norn.
Though Viking Metal might work. Check out Manowar for inspiration. "Battle Hymn" & "Courage" is a good start.

Necrus (Kliffington) · Dec 12, 2009, 11:35 AM // 11:35

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tzu

I'd like to hear this with a melody. But preferably not power metal or trash. Neither have a melody nor can you actually hear what they're "singing" so your work with the lyrics will be a waste.

I also agree that Metal in general is more Charr than Norn.
Though Viking Metal might work. Check out Manowar for inspiration. "Battle Hymn" & "Courage" is a good start.

Oh no no

not all metal is low-key vocals and repeated riffs, this is more like a Firewind, Kamelot, or Iced Earth style (look them up if you want to know what I mean). You must be thinking of Death Metal, or Black Metal, or a variation, where they have gurggeling vocals and deeper riffs commonly about death or pain with anti-christian lyrics (not always) or possibly anti-life in general.

Megadeth and Metallica are commonly considered Thrash or Speed Metal, and they have great vocals in my opinion, but Thrash and Speed are commonly polotically influenced since they originally came from Punk styled behavior and concepts

And come on, how is the Norn not completely metal

9 feet tall warriors of ultimate build, living their lives hunting large prey in the harsh climate, brutal beings that live to kill and mantain their honor regardless of the task, songs have been writen about Attila the Hun in Power Metal style about similar concepts

Regardless, many songs not Viking Metal were about warrior type concepts as well, especially in the Power Metal realm

and Manowar makes me laugh

jonnieboi05 · Dec 12, 2009, 02:00 PM // 14:00

Quote:

Originally Posted by Eragon Zarroc

@JonnieBoi: Your're or You're? lols

'A' for effort i suppose. like the first part, 2nd part falls apart

Shhh.... I meant "you're" ... Forgot to delete the first R when I quoted it. Q_Q *hides in a dark, dark corner*

Necrus (Kliffington) · Dec 12, 2009, 02:35 PM // 14:35

Yeah, I could go on pointing out people's grammer mistakes, but no point in a forum -- not like we're being graded or anything, as long as I know what you're saying I don't mind too much :P

I make several mistakes in that regard too from time to time

jonnieboi05 · Dec 12, 2009, 02:56 PM // 14:56

Quote:

Originally Posted by Necrus (Kliffington)

Yeah, I could go on pointing out people's grammer mistakes, but no point in a forum -- not like we're being graded or anything, as long as I know what you're saying I don't mind too much :P

I make several mistakes in that regard too from time to time

Well, that's the thing, You ARE being graded. I've been secretly keeping tabs on EVERYONE on Guru and grading them.

And just to let you know, some people need to step it up a notch. 'Cause they're close to getting an F and having to repeat their grade. ;D -cough-

Tzu · Dec 12, 2009, 03:06 PM // 15:06

Quote:

Originally Posted by Necrus (Kliffington)

Oh no no

not all metal is low-key vocals and repeated riffs, this is more like a Firewind, Kamelot, or Iced Earth style (look them up if you want to know what I mean). You must be thinking of Death Metal, or Black Metal, or a variation, where they have gurggeling vocals and deeper riffs commonly about death or pain with anti-christian lyrics (not always) or possibly anti-life in general.

Megadeth and Metallica are commonly considered Thrash or Speed Metal, and they have great vocals in my opinion, but Thrash and Speed are commonly polotically influenced since they originally came from Punk styled behavior and concepts

And come on, how is the Norn not completely metal

9 feet tall warriors of ultimate build, living their lives hunting large prey in the harsh climate, brutal beings that live to kill and mantain their honor regardless of the task, songs have been writen about Attila the Hun in Power Metal style about similar concepts

Regardless, many songs not Viking Metal were about warrior type concepts as well, especially in the Power Metal realm

and Manowar makes me laugh

sorry mate, but I've never ever heard Metallica being labelled as "trash" or "speed metal". Metallica is pretty soft stuff, I'd put them in the Metal genre, but bordering on rock more than anything. Then again the border between Metal and Rock seems to vary from one social group to another, and the genres of Metal too.

And I don't see how the general message of each genre has anything to say with your choice of music here. After all, it will be filled with your lyrics, your "message" and you shouldn't ever feel like music and lyrics are inevitably tied together through stereotypes when creating your own, it kills originality.

I didn't suggest Viking Metal because of the obvious mythological messages songs of that genre often possess, I thought it would suit a nornish song because of the music. Consider that the norn are heavily influenced by norse mythology, and try to let this influence your vocabulary and musical style. I think it would do your song much justice.

I think you could justify metal as a soundtrack for every Guild Wars 2 race if you're willing and verbose, but if you seriously think about the nornish lore I think you'll come to see them as more of a wise and reposed kind, than the bloodthirsty gladiators we thought them to be at first. Same goes for vikings. Check out this thread to explore this idea: click me
There are several other threads saying the same thing if you look around a bit.

And yeah, of course Manowar makes you laugh. I believe they have a song about how viking-y they feel when wearing leather and riding motorcycles, can't recall what the song is called. Hilarious and incredibly dumb. I don't let the band decide whether I like a song or not though, I will listen to some of their soungs regardless of their frequent musical mistakes.

Minami · Dec 12, 2009, 03:24 PM // 15:24

King Diamond - "Follow the Wolf"

Necrus (Kliffington) · Dec 13, 2009, 05:40 AM // 05:40

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tzu

sorry mate, but I've never ever heard Metallica being labelled as "trash" or "speed metal". Metallica is pretty soft stuff, I'd put them in the Metal genre, but bordering on rock more than anything. Then again the border between Metal and Rock seems to vary from one social group to another, and the genres of Metal too.

And I don't see how the general message of each genre has anything to say with your choice of music here. After all, it will be filled with your lyrics, your "message" and you shouldn't ever feel like music and lyrics are inevitably tied together through stereotypes when creating your own, it kills originality.

I didn't suggest Viking Metal because of the obvious mythological messages songs of that genre often possess, I thought it would suit a nornish song because of the music. Consider that the norn are heavily influenced by norse mythology, and try to let this influence your vocabulary and musical style. I think it would do your song much justice.

I think you could justify metal as a soundtrack for every Guild Wars 2 race if you're willing and verbose, but if you seriously think about the nornish lore I think you'll come to see them as more of a wise and reposed kind, than the bloodthirsty gladiators we thought them to be at first. Same goes for vikings. Check out this thread to explore this idea: click me
There are several other threads saying the same thing if you look around a bit.

And yeah, of course Manowar makes you laugh. I believe they have a song about how viking-y they feel when wearing leather and riding motorcycles, can't recall what the song is called. Hilarious and incredibly dumb. I don't let the band decide whether I like a song or not though, I will listen to some of their soungs regardless of their frequent musical mistakes.

St. Anger is pretty soft, haha, if that's what you mean

I agree though, good insight